The breath

The hardest thing about teaching (at the Y, I do the class with the students) is talking while breathing. Basically there’s no way to breath correctly while you are talking.

That’s why I find it so important to have that daily separate practice. The breath is so crucial to the practice. It keeps you in the moment and connected to the movement. I’ve gotten so good at that loud forceful breath that warms the body, without it, I loose that connection.

You can practice the breathing anytime, slowly in and out through the nose. Pulling in through the back of the throat, the pushing the air out through the bottom of the lungs using your diaphragm. You will warm your body and relax with in a few breaths.

Finding my practice

I’ve been trying so hard since the first to practice yoga, but if made excuses that isn’t worth listing. Let me just say, teaching makes it hard to practice.

I’ve judged, I know I have. But it’s hard. That’s all there is to it. But tonight I promised myself I’d get going and start practicing. Without a class, on my own. 

I felt energized and inspired by my class tonight and stayed after and got it in. I remember all the reasons I love it. My body and mind are so tired, but through my practice I feel renewed in spirit. I feel connected to myself and confident with who I am.

I can’t describe the feeling yoga gives you but it has power. Tonight it was just me and my mat. The place I should be, taking time to take care of me. 

New Hope for Joy

This year I am focusing on joy. Doing things that bring me joy, bringing other people joy.

Here’s my New Years commitment:

Yoga every day-I know I’ve committed to this in the past but I want to make it a way of life.

Write or read daily-I’m going to either write here.  This makes me aware of my feelings and intentions. It keeps me honest, humble and in the moment. 

Or I’ll read, something fun, something that isn’t working on something, reading for fun. Always takes me out of whatever my situation is and into another world.

I love New Years, it’s a new start, new possibilities and an opportunity to be better. Start fresh today, the best year of your life is waiting for you to create it.

Who is the real me?

Online for some strange reason I feel more like me than I feel like me when I’m in person with pretty much any social interaction.

Maybe a couple place or people get the real me, teaching/practicing/ doing yoga. I’m the same me as I am here. But get me having a conversation and somehow someone different takes over. And with two very close friends, my daughter and my husband, and my dogs. Okay okay, and I kinda dig this one cat.

Anyways, I’m me. The shell goes away, the conversation can happen. And I let the stress, the anxiety, the attempt at a facade of strength in a trembling body that I’m sure fools no one. 

But I’m myself one other place. Here. Online. I write these alone. Relaxed. (Usually)  I’m completely drawn out. Guard down. You have to wonder why that is, I know I do. But for me, something about knowing someone may be listening, reading. And this helps them think about things. 

Maybe I have social anxiety. But this helps me be honest, and confident. It helps the real me grow. All things coming, my hope is someday I’m all me everywhere.  

 

Cold sores

One of the side effects of stress for me is cold sores. Not like normal people cold sores, intense super cold sores. I get flu symptoms, sore throat, swollen painful glands in my neck. 

Yesterday, my upper lip exploded. One of my worst ever, which I guess says something about the stress I’m under. I’m spending time in bed because I feel awful. But also because I look awful. 

The worst part is that I look like a horrible monster. I don’t feel like going anywhere but at the same time, the cold bites at it. I want to curl into a little ball and cry under the covers.

When you are struggling to go through each day, this is not helping. I had to push a new job off, miss parties, and hide in bed.

Little could be worse when I’m in the thick of it. The good news is within a week, it should be gone. You may think, could it really be that bad. You decide… 

 It’s extremely hard to post a picture. But I know, my heart is beautiful, and that doesn’t fade or get hidden by the outside. My heart loves deeply, fully and forever.

When beauty is taken away you realize how unimportant it is. The people who love you continue to love you. Beauty and cold sores are temporary. Find people who love you regardless and your life will be full. Your beauty is always within, at any time, at any age. Even through the pain and dark parts, a true and loving heart stays beautiful always. 

 

Bleh, lonely and bored

Today I’ve not felt great emotionally. The best part of my day was teaching a really great yoga class. But other than that I’ve just been lonely and bleh. I need hugs and some excitement.

Maybe I should pick up a book. Probably I should. My knees hurt, all those stairs. It’s just not my day today. What do you do when you are in a little funk? 

I guess you can’t always have happiness and sunshine. But I’ll take a breath and look forward to tomorrow.

  

Decisions

I’m writing, because I should. Not because I want to. Because I don’t. I want to watch tv, pretend that things are going great. And just retreat. 

But they aren’t going great. They are hard and complicated and big decisions have to be made. It’s life changing, crushing, happy, sad. Moment by moment feelings. And feelings are mixed. 

  
This seemed appropriate for today. 

Must write!

This three little positive things a day change is really starting to work magic. 

Today, I finished my book, felt very calm and able to think through some really hard questions and felt like I could handle them. 

I think it’s just taking time for me that is changing my mood. This was the last on my list, to write.

I’m starting to feel like me again, it’s a little at a time. But getting back to me. 

 

Guilt

I feel bad. Really for almost anything and everything.  I posted this on Facebook a bit ago and it stuck with me.

 
I know I don’t like feeling this way. But I do. Pretty much all of the time I can find myself feeling guilty about things I have no control over and can’t do anything about. 

So when I really screw up, it’s beyond words. I can beat myself up for not even days, years, decades. I currently can remember feeling bad for a very specific incident in kindergarten or 1st grade. I’m sure no one else remembers but I do. And I feel bad to this day.

There’s those types of Where does that come from? How do you make it go away? 

I can start by reciting a prayer that I used last night after my yoga session. 

  
Every day, trying to let it go. 

Joy and Mental Health

I’ve been thinking a lot about what gives me joy and decided (with some others wanting life changes) to do three things daily that bring me joy. I want to revamp my mental health and make healing a priority in my life.

The first thing that brings me joy that I’m going to do daily is reading. I love disappearing into a good book. So daily, I commit to reading at least a chapter in a book. A real book, with pages and stories and suspense. I started my first one today and couldn’t put it down so I’m in two chapters so far. Already I feel better. Excited to see what comes next.

The second thing I’m doing is this. Writing. I don’t know why it makes me feel better but it does.  Getting those feelings out and on virtual paper helps me put them in order. Some days might be happy, some days might be sad. But it’s real and it’s me.

The third thing is yoga. I’m headed to teach tonight and am going early to get my own practice in. I love how I feel after, calm and centered. Like my mind clears and my body feels open and ready to take on whatever comes my way.

Thinking about creating joy shouldn’t be an afterthought. It should be a daily practice. I can create joy no matter what is going on in my life by just taking a little time to create a space where my heart can be renewed.