Confidence Hit After Hit

Confidence is a funny thing. I can easily feel confident, completely genuine and killing it. Then a few things happen, maybe in one day, maybe over time, and I feel worthless. 

In yoga, in work, in life in general, things can get very personal. It’s easy to feel it is specifically just me, but maybe these little hits happen to everyone. I can’t help but think who I am is not good enough. 

Relationships end, friends fade away, I am pushed out so things are handled by someone more competent. When I feel judged, I feel like there is something wrong with who I am.

I try to remember, others own their behavior. When negativity is directed towards me, it’s not about me. It is just so hard to not feel like I don’t measure up. It seems like when I’m most myself, when I feel I’m being authentic and accepting and loving the person I am; I am pushed away. Left in the cold, how can I think any different than I’m not okay the way I am. 

I just want to be me. I don’t want to be judged or be pushed out of what I am doing. I want to be accepted for who I am. Not just accepted but lifted up and affirmed for the effort. For my success and for my openness. 

The things that are who I am at the purest and deepest level are unacceptable. I feel like I’m winning and it’s like the universe says, not so fast. As soon as confidence comes, everything falls apart. 

I’m never cocky, at least I don’t think I am. I’m more often not confident at all. But days like today knock me down to size. 

I know some of my posts are encouraging, some are sad, but they are real. Whether you like me or not. If you think I’m honest or full of it. I hope you find something that strikes you as true and raw. I hope you see the ups and downs in my life and know you aren’t alone. 

Facebook and Instagram frequently just shows the best parts, but life isn’t like that. We are all just trying to figure it out as we go. There’s no manual on how to deal with the bad and accepting those big hits that just don’t feel fair. 

We all just move on to the next. Taking each day as one day at a time. Breathe in, breathe out. And just keep going, what other choice do we have? 

I love me. I wish everyone else did, but they don’t and they won’t. Acceptance of that and who I am, is where I can start and where I can rest.

Who is the real me?

Online for some strange reason I feel more like me than I feel like me when I’m in person with pretty much any social interaction.

Maybe a couple place or people get the real me, teaching/practicing/ doing yoga. I’m the same me as I am here. But get me having a conversation and somehow someone different takes over. And with two very close friends, my daughter and my husband, and my dogs. Okay okay, and I kinda dig this one cat.

Anyways, I’m me. The shell goes away, the conversation can happen. And I let the stress, the anxiety, the attempt at a facade of strength in a trembling body that I’m sure fools no one. 

But I’m myself one other place. Here. Online. I write these alone. Relaxed. (Usually)  I’m completely drawn out. Guard down. You have to wonder why that is, I know I do. But for me, something about knowing someone may be listening, reading. And this helps them think about things. 

Maybe I have social anxiety. But this helps me be honest, and confident. It helps the real me grow. All things coming, my hope is someday I’m all me everywhere.