Progress, not perfection 

I grew up thinking perfection was possible. If you weren’t perfect, you weren’t trying hard enough.

That thinking can literally kill you. I tried it, it doesn’t work and more importantly, it’s exhausting. There is a horrible let down when you fall short of that mark. Shame, self loathing, you name it, I’ve felt it.

There were a lot of times where I heard, “if you would have just tried a little harder.” Today, I’m still trying to break it. I try so hard that I collapse into tears. Not just crying, shaking in the corner sobbing. 

I know I can play victim, it’s super easy! Look at what I’ve been through, I say. Look how life has kicked me when I was down. Oh poor me. But that just gets me stuck. Not progressing, just sitting in the sorrow and helplessness of self pity.

But really, I’ve come out of all that junk stronger. I actually am proud of myself and like who I am. I’m finally getting it together. Letting go of what life has handed me and looking forward to the amazing things to come.

It’s easy to look at people and think, it must be nice, they’ve had it so easy. But no one escapes life and death. Everyone looses, everyone triumphs. There’s no hard or easy, just life. No winners, no losers, just everyone trying to make it through.

I’ve got scars, I’ve had struggles. I make that very public. But today I embrace my progress. From victim to warrior, from endless pain to contentment in any situation. Not always perfect but always progressing. 

Most importantly, surrounded by smart strong people, that have been through the ringer too, who encourage and remind me, keep moving forward and making progress in each and every day regardless of circumstance or struggles. 

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Humility 

Something I’ve been working on in the last week, finding humility. This is all about the world revolving completely without me and definitely not around me.

Sometimes I get stuck thinking I’m over important. I get caught in my head. It’s all about others affecting me. But I am reminding myself that it’s not about that in the end. It’s about what good I put into the world.  

The more humble, the more helpful I become. I see others for the value that they bring and I can see the value in everything.

What works for me is looking at the beautiful mountains growing and changing in front of me. The leaves blowing in the air. The river runs and the birds sing. All valuable and all not affected by me. Every thing is beautiful and great. Every piece of this planet is amazing, and I’m just lucky to be a part of it and share my love with all around me. 

Doing the next right thing

Something I’m working on lately is just focusing on doing the next right thing. Sometimes I get stuck in the mode that I want someone to notice what I do.

I run around in my head that I hope they know I did that, or whatever it is. But in reality none of it matters. Doing the next right thing is enough. Maybe you can call it Karma. Doing the next right thing is an easy rule of thumb.

It’s easy to get caught up in the notion that if no one sees it, it doesn’t matter. But you see it. And isn’t what we think of ourselves all that really matters? And if Karma is a thing, it will pay off. 

The life you live, the choices you make, do make the person you are. Are you pleasant? Are you happy? Are you kind and thoughtful? Are you a good friend? All that matters is the next right thing. 

Sure you’ve messed up. I know I have. I’ve been selfish and unpleasant. I’ve made bad choices and hurt people. But the next right thing is always before you. It gets easier to not worry about the past when you focus on the next right thing. And you know what? All those next right things add up to feeling good about who you are and where you are headed. Keep moving forward and find that next right thing and you won’t be disappointed. 

Ahimsa – Non Violence 

I’ve always considered myself against violence. But in reality, I’ve been mad enough. I can use this reminder.

What it means to me? Being calm, not letting my anger get out of control. Loving more than fighting.

How can I practice in yoga? Loving my practice, no matter what struggles I have, being kind and loving to my body. 

How I practice in life? I’ve lately let spiders live. This has been a big struggle to not focus on them, watch them so I know where they go. It seems like a silly little thing but I’ve made peace with them. Knowing most of them won’t hurt me. Although I’ve had my share of bites, I know many more just live and move on their way eventually. 

How I plan on applying this limb more? Being kind and forgiving to myself and others. Live and let live. Knowing everyone has struggles I know nothing about. Everyone makes choices every day. Today, I’ll choose love over anger,  life over death, kindness and understanding over judgement. 

Happy insomnia 

I couldn’t sleep last night. Usually it’s stress related, but last night it was happiness. I’m grateful and content. Happy to be where I’m at and settled in my life.

I’ve reduced some stress and drama that I didn’t need and have focused on healing myself and my family and it’s all coming together. 

Just a few moments in bed, happy. To be alive, to be moving forward. Breathing in and out pure joy. I’m thankful for all that I have and I have everything I need. My heart is full and I feel truly blessed.

Take a moment now and then and find contentment in your life.

Cold sores 

One of the side effects of stress for me is cold sores. Not like normal people cold sores, intense super cold sores. I get flu symptoms, sore throat, swollen painful glands in my neck. 

Yesterday, my upper lip exploded. One of my worst ever, which I guess says something about the stress I’m under. I’m spending time in bed because I feel awful. But also because I look awful. 

The worst part is that I look like a horrible monster. I don’t feel like going anywhere but at the same time, the cold bites at it. I want to curl into a little ball and cry under the covers.

When you are struggling to go through each day, this is not helping. I had to push a new job off, miss parties, and hide in bed.

Little could be worse when I’m in the thick of it. The good news is within a week, it should be gone. You may think, could it really be that bad. You decide… 

 It’s extremely hard to post a picture. But I know, my heart is beautiful, and that doesn’t fade or get hidden by the outside. My heart loves deeply, fully and forever.

When beauty is taken away you realize how unimportant it is. The people who love you continue to love you. Beauty and cold sores are temporary. Find people who love you regardless and your life will be full. Your beauty is always within, at any time, at any age. Even through the pain and dark parts, a true and loving heart stays beautiful always. 

 

Must write!

This three little positive things a day change is really starting to work magic. 

Today, I finished my book, felt very calm and able to think through some really hard questions and felt like I could handle them. 

I think it’s just taking time for me that is changing my mood. This was the last on my list, to write.

I’m starting to feel like me again, it’s a little at a time. But getting back to me.