Confidence Hit After Hit

Confidence is a funny thing. I can easily feel confident, completely genuine and killing it. Then a few things happen, maybe in one day, maybe over time, and I feel worthless. 

In yoga, in work, in life in general, things can get very personal. It’s easy to feel it is specifically just me, but maybe these little hits happen to everyone. I can’t help but think who I am is not good enough. 

Relationships end, friends fade away, I am pushed out so things are handled by someone more competent. When I feel judged, I feel like there is something wrong with who I am.

I try to remember, others own their behavior. When negativity is directed towards me, it’s not about me. It is just so hard to not feel like I don’t measure up. It seems like when I’m most myself, when I feel I’m being authentic and accepting and loving the person I am; I am pushed away. Left in the cold, how can I think any different than I’m not okay the way I am. 

I just want to be me. I don’t want to be judged or be pushed out of what I am doing. I want to be accepted for who I am. Not just accepted but lifted up and affirmed for the effort. For my success and for my openness. 

The things that are who I am at the purest and deepest level are unacceptable. I feel like I’m winning and it’s like the universe says, not so fast. As soon as confidence comes, everything falls apart. 

I’m never cocky, at least I don’t think I am. I’m more often not confident at all. But days like today knock me down to size. 

I know some of my posts are encouraging, some are sad, but they are real. Whether you like me or not. If you think I’m honest or full of it. I hope you find something that strikes you as true and raw. I hope you see the ups and downs in my life and know you aren’t alone. 

Facebook and Instagram frequently just shows the best parts, but life isn’t like that. We are all just trying to figure it out as we go. There’s no manual on how to deal with the bad and accepting those big hits that just don’t feel fair. 

We all just move on to the next. Taking each day as one day at a time. Breathe in, breathe out. And just keep going, what other choice do we have? 

I love me. I wish everyone else did, but they don’t and they won’t. Acceptance of that and who I am, is where I can start and where I can rest.

Being me

Wow, amazing day here at the yoga conference. I feel complete and settled. Okay with being me. I’m done trying to be someone I’m not. I’m me, the only me. And today what I’ve been moving around in my head about long term goals have been solidified. 

I know exactly what I want, and just have such a peace and clarity about the next steps. But more than that. I’ve cut the noise, right to the center of what all this is about for me. 

To tell you the truth, I’ve taken my own path today. Many people are sore, but I’ve done some very easy but physically and mentally restorative. I needed than cleansing, get rid of some of the old to make space for new energy to find its way in.


Mala & mat, keeping me honest and grounded.

Satya – Truth

I’m at the yoga conference in Seattle this weekend and I’ve already been touched deeply by what I’ve learned here.

Statya is the Yama I am working on as I study the 8 limbs. This morning I learned a different meaning.

What it means to me: Stop listening to the lies I tell myself. I need to retrain my brain to ask, “Is that true, is that real” any lie you tell yourself, is not true and not real. 

What it means to my practice: let go of Ego. There is no need to worry what is going on off my mat. The only things that are real and true are happening outside my head and I am missing it. 

How can I apply this to my life more: as many thoughts I can catch, I will ask myself if it’s true. If it is real, and if it’s a story or a lie I’ve told myself and held onto, I’m going to let it go. Put it behind me and speak truth. 

New Hope for Joy

This year I am focusing on joy. Doing things that bring me joy, bringing other people joy.

Here’s my New Years commitment:

Yoga every day-I know I’ve committed to this in the past but I want to make it a way of life.

Write or read daily-I’m going to either write here.  This makes me aware of my feelings and intentions. It keeps me honest, humble and in the moment. 

Or I’ll read, something fun, something that isn’t working on something, reading for fun. Always takes me out of whatever my situation is and into another world.

I love New Years, it’s a new start, new possibilities and an opportunity to be better. Start fresh today, the best year of your life is waiting for you to create it.

Guilt

I feel bad. Really for almost anything and everything.  I posted this on Facebook a bit ago and it stuck with me.

 
I know I don’t like feeling this way. But I do. Pretty much all of the time I can find myself feeling guilty about things I have no control over and can’t do anything about. 

So when I really screw up, it’s beyond words. I can beat myself up for not even days, years, decades. I currently can remember feeling bad for a very specific incident in kindergarten or 1st grade. I’m sure no one else remembers but I do. And I feel bad to this day.

There’s those types of Where does that come from? How do you make it go away? 

I can start by reciting a prayer that I used last night after my yoga session. 

  
Every day, trying to let it go. 

Reality Bites

I had so much fun tonight painting with my sister. Distractions are awesome, until you come back to reality. 

It’s like a crushing blow to remember the pain. To feel the ache again after it lifts, even for a little bit. 

Distractions can only last so long. It’s the day to day, the late nights, the early mornings. That loneliness sets in and you realize you’re all alone. The sky is so bleak, I feel it in my bones. The days move slowly from one to the next and I wonder how I will make two more days of the wondering, the questions that plague my mind every minute. 

Yet in the end, I created something out of a blank canvas. Regardless of how it turned out, I can see the beauty. With my heavy heart and heavy hand, I have a starry night.  

 
Regardless of what happens, I will go on. Creating beauty out of nothing, a star in the bleakest sky. 

Mornings

Mornings are the hardest. I wake up and wonder how did I get here and if I have the strength to make it through another day of this hell I’ve created.

My heart breaks over and over into a million pieces. Black, broken and empty. I can’t eat. I can’t sleep. I barely function. 

My hope barely there comes and goes. I want to rewind. Undo. But I can’t. I feel helpless. The ache of pain is deep in every part of me. 

But I look for beauty, I look for love, I look for hope. I’ve lost it all and just pray for one more chance. To make it right. To make it okay. Baby steps, just keep moving forward.

And as I write, I look up to see a rainbow in front of me. I know someone is listening. I know it will be okay. No matter what.