Confidence Hit After Hit

Confidence is a funny thing. I can easily feel confident, completely genuine and killing it. Then a few things happen, maybe in one day, maybe over time, and I feel worthless. 

In yoga, in work, in life in general, things can get very personal. It’s easy to feel it is specifically just me, but maybe these little hits happen to everyone. I can’t help but think who I am is not good enough. 

Relationships end, friends fade away, I am pushed out so things are handled by someone more competent. When I feel judged, I feel like there is something wrong with who I am.

I try to remember, others own their behavior. When negativity is directed towards me, it’s not about me. It is just so hard to not feel like I don’t measure up. It seems like when I’m most myself, when I feel I’m being authentic and accepting and loving the person I am; I am pushed away. Left in the cold, how can I think any different than I’m not okay the way I am. 

I just want to be me. I don’t want to be judged or be pushed out of what I am doing. I want to be accepted for who I am. Not just accepted but lifted up and affirmed for the effort. For my success and for my openness. 

The things that are who I am at the purest and deepest level are unacceptable. I feel like I’m winning and it’s like the universe says, not so fast. As soon as confidence comes, everything falls apart. 

I’m never cocky, at least I don’t think I am. I’m more often not confident at all. But days like today knock me down to size. 

I know some of my posts are encouraging, some are sad, but they are real. Whether you like me or not. If you think I’m honest or full of it. I hope you find something that strikes you as true and raw. I hope you see the ups and downs in my life and know you aren’t alone. 

Facebook and Instagram frequently just shows the best parts, but life isn’t like that. We are all just trying to figure it out as we go. There’s no manual on how to deal with the bad and accepting those big hits that just don’t feel fair. 

We all just move on to the next. Taking each day as one day at a time. Breathe in, breathe out. And just keep going, what other choice do we have? 

I love me. I wish everyone else did, but they don’t and they won’t. Acceptance of that and who I am, is where I can start and where I can rest.

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Cold sores 

One of the side effects of stress for me is cold sores. Not like normal people cold sores, intense super cold sores. I get flu symptoms, sore throat, swollen painful glands in my neck. 

Yesterday, my upper lip exploded. One of my worst ever, which I guess says something about the stress I’m under. I’m spending time in bed because I feel awful. But also because I look awful. 

The worst part is that I look like a horrible monster. I don’t feel like going anywhere but at the same time, the cold bites at it. I want to curl into a little ball and cry under the covers.

When you are struggling to go through each day, this is not helping. I had to push a new job off, miss parties, and hide in bed.

Little could be worse when I’m in the thick of it. The good news is within a week, it should be gone. You may think, could it really be that bad. You decide… 

 It’s extremely hard to post a picture. But I know, my heart is beautiful, and that doesn’t fade or get hidden by the outside. My heart loves deeply, fully and forever.

When beauty is taken away you realize how unimportant it is. The people who love you continue to love you. Beauty and cold sores are temporary. Find people who love you regardless and your life will be full. Your beauty is always within, at any time, at any age. Even through the pain and dark parts, a true and loving heart stays beautiful always. 

 

Insecurity 

  I’ve been insecure as long as I can remember. That insecurity gets out of control when I am in the presence of someone completely confident in who they are.

It becomes destructive almost immediately. I find myself reaching for anything that gives me false confidence or can somehow fill that deep void of being not enough no matter how temporary.

But I feel my strength has always been my ability to be real, to be open. To bare open those wounds and maybe give someone else strength. 

In the past year, maybe more. I’ve closed off more and more. Felt worse and worse and continued to retreat into a fake version of a strong me. I’ve felt truly alone and reaching for whatever but of peace I could find.

No more. I’m done hiding. My insecurity open for all to see. I constantly try, so hard, to be better. Do the right thing. But I hide the dark bitter pains deep inside. Here, in my blog, is maybe where you can see it the most. The posts, infrequent. Maybe ingenious. 

I’m here today to reclaim myself. My flawed insecure self. This last week I’ve been in the darkest place in my life. Rock bottom like I’ve never known. 

My healing starts now. It will be real and unflinching. With little details but real emotion. I need to heal, I need to stop trying to get better and actually get better.

It started Thursday night when I picked up the phone and called my sponsor. Yesterday I went to my first meeting in a long time. Too long and too many drinks. It was hard but more so a relief. I’m an alcoholic. I can say that again with conviction. 

You might wonder why I write this, people have accused me of crying for attention. I’m here to tell you, it’s not for you. It’s for other broken hearts that have been there and may be reminded, or encouraged through my never ending developing story. 

But yes, it’s also for me. I feel healing through writing. I always have. I’ve always believed writing was my calling, in my bones. I’m writing a journal privately but this seems to make me more honest then I even am to myself. Maybe letting it all out relieves my spirit so it can fly free in that brutal honesty. 

But this is where I leave my heart bare. Rebuilding will come slow, all I can do is heal. 

Yoga Family

I had surgery this Friday.  That being said, I tried to be at Teacher Training as much as possible.  Why?  It’s my yoga family. In my town!  I haven’t been to a training here in Wenatchee but it is so cool to have so many people that I truly adore coming to my home studio.  They have become a new family, my yoga family.

I feel about them like I do my “California Cousins.”  When they come to town, life as we know it stops.  You make sacrifices, you do what it takes to spend every second you can with them.

Also, they care for me.  I have people who really really care.  They don’t fake it, they don’t have to.  They don’t judge me or question it.  They are all completely real and completely real in their love and kindness.  They don’t have to try, they just do.  There is nothing like the relationship I have with my yoga family.  Love and respect.  Mutual understanding.  Unconditional acceptance.  If you don’t have a yoga family, you should.  And mine is pretty darn amazing.

I couldn’t make the hike yesterday, but I love these people.  Beautiful.  13411828_10100896627144203_772470144837506325_o

Pain

We usually do what it takes to avoid pain.  Emotionally, Physically, Psychologically.  We all do it.  What if we try to embrace the pain.

What would happen?  I tried it out last night at yoga.  In Savasana, the posture which gives you an opportunity for rest or it can be the place your mind can run wild.  It’s the last place you want to be in pain.

But I couldn’t help but notice that in my pain this thought came to me – embrace it.  Be in it.  Instead of trying to ignore it or move my leg around until it was in some sort of unpainful position, I embraced it.  I focused on it, and it stopped feeling so much like pain.  I thought loving thoughts towards it and a warmth came over the area.

In a hot yoga class, there is a lot of pain.  All types.  It is about learning to work through it.  Feel the pain and be in it.  There isn’t a choice to avoid it.  Once you are there, you are in it.  The heat, the sweat, the pain of the postures.  You have to stay in it the postures longer than you wanted to.  But you are in that moment.  The moment of pain being over is a sweet feeling and sometimes that sweet release is what happiness is all about.

Just think for a moment.  Are you trying to avoid the pain? Distracting, ignoring, numbing?  Pain can be good – here is just a few ways:

  1. Pain can teach you where you are weak.  It can make you stronger and smarter by just paying attention to it and trying to rehabilitate the area.
  2. Pain can teach you a lesson.  If you have had an injury because of something dumb (when have I haven’t had a dumbness related injury?) You will learn what not to do.  Live and learn.  Isn’t that all about experiencing pain in some way?
  3.  Pain or mourning can be a lovely reminder of how precious life is.  How delicate and fragile.
  4. Fear of pain or avoidance of pain is sometimes causing us more emotional strife than just going through the pain.
  5. Notice how when you are sick you just remember how wonderful it was to not be sick and how you definitely didn’t appreciate the not sick times enough?  Pain makes you appreciate the peace, the painlessness.
  6. Pain brings you into the moment.  If you focus on the pain and experiencing it you are there, in the moment of pain or pleasure – whichever you are in, you are experiencing life.

Embrace the pain.  Trust me, it isn’t so bad once you realize how much work it is to avoid it.

 

Yoga Teacher Training Day 5 and 6

Last night I fell asleep around 10pm.  For me, that’s early.  I was just so tired I couldn’t stay awake.  Then I got up at 6am!  All by myself without my LB (daughter) to come wake me up.

I even woke up and did a decent job on homework.  But I didn’t write and even had people notice!  That’s such a complement because I write all this with absolutely no intention of anyone reading it.  The important thing to me is to write.

Yesterday and today where both really good days.  After those first couple days when it is so hard – sitting on the floor, intense yoga and a ton of brain information – you get over the hump of half way and it isn’t so hard anymore.  I feel settled in the routine and it makes me feel comforted to know the general things to expect and somehow that calms me.  (If you are interested as to why, take a Dosha test.  I am a proud Vatta)

Yesterday, we spent another day with Carlo.  He is just a master and I will leave it at that.  I have decided he is one of my four teachers.  I expect to quote all four of them in my classes if I ever teach.  Which at this point, I really want to.

Today we went a little deeper into teaching and I nailed down in my mind my priorities as a teacher.  Interested?  Okay, here’s my passion and priorities:

  1. Mastectomy Recovery including Menopausal symptoms. I have been in surgical menopause for 13 years and it has really helped me in many ways including bone and muscle strengthening, muscle flexibility, mental calming and hot flash reduction.  It has also opened up my chest and released a lot of the tension that my surgery has affected.  I will write more in the future about how this has helped me through these physical and psychological issues that it is a every day issue.  Anyone in my position knows exactly what I am talking about.  BRCA, prophylactic surgeries – well, only us club members know the daily struggle with cancer risk and the surgical and psychological consequences of our decisions.  I am dedicated to learning more, researching and being an expert in any way I can about the healing yoga can bring to our specific struggles.
  2. Beginners and recovery from injuries.  I care so much for people that I want to bring what I have learned and what has helped me in yoga.  It is healing, no matter how you look at it.  Hatha Yoga is made to correct the Western culture’s common injuries and problems.  It is about joint flexibility and strength and if you try it for a month, you will see healing.  One of my four teachers, Stephanie, my main teacher, says one class doesn’t count.  You need about 10 to see a difference.  If you are interested, two of my other teachers, Mimi and Wes, own three studios that all have a two week introduction special for only $20 so you can see if it works for you.  I’d love to help you, motivate you and practice along side you so you can see the benefits after two weeks of dedicated practice.
  3. I am inspired to motivate.  I have struggled.  More than most.  Yoga didn’t come easy to me, I struggled.  Each class was a fight.  I had to fight to balance, fight for strength and fight to get the postures.  I had so many physical issues that it gave me that struggle and the fight to stay in it.  It’s only been about a year of practice but I have seen so much progress.  I love what Yoga has done for me and I want to share that with anyone willing to start fixing the problems they have.  Back pain, knee pain, heart pain.  I want to help, motivate and inspire.  A yoga practice can help alleviate many physical and emotional issues.  Everyone; young, old, injured and emotionally hurt; everyone can benefit from a yoga practice.  There is a benefit to connecting the spiritual, emotional and physical together.  There is healing in that hot room and you can’t understand until you’ve spent two weeks or 10 classes of healing.  Remember, 1 class doesn’t count – you have to give it at least a little bit of time before you start to see the benefits.  This week I have learned Yoga is about patience.

I have found something in yoga that is healing.  Body, Mind and Soul.  I just can’t wait to share it.  “This is where the healing begins.”612759