Why I cancel coffee and say no to lunch 

I’ve talked a lot about my introversion. Is that the right word? Anyways, I always wonder if I’m the only introvert in the world. 

It’s probably more likely that introverts can’t find each other because we both want to hide in our car and never talk to each other.

My car is my safety zone. It’s like a little bubble of aloneness. I don’t have to talk to people. Maybe a little wave. 

For some reason, I do really well in business meetings. I can talk with confidence and give my pitch or ideas with no sign of my anxiety. But person to person, with no idea of what to say, or might come up. It’s scary. 

So I avoid, I cancel. I avoid “lunch” like the plague. It sounded like a good idea at the time, but when it comes close, the anxiety builds and it’s the last thing I want to do.

So why do I do this? Maybe it’s the unknown. Maybe it’s those variables that hold me back. I know why I hate chit chat, mingling and small talk. Even typing it makes me cringe.   I believe this is because it’s not real connection. It’s surface talk. No one gets real, just shallow talk. But when it has a chance to actually get real and deep, I avoid.

You might question why I can do this, type my feelings and be completely real and open with every aspect. Writing is a whole different way of communication. That happens to be how I connect with my feelings and organize my thoughts. I don’t know why I share it publicly. Always hoping that I connect with someone who feels the same way and help them feel okay. Or maybe letting you feel okay with what you are going through.

It never started out that way, it was a place to record my story. Mostly for my daughter and those going through a prophylactic mastectomy. But somewhere along the line, I’ve shared everything. It’s been my therapy and my art. I found a place and a way to incorporate writing into my problems and what is going on in my life.

I’m sorry if you’ve been someone I’ve avoided, canceled, not answer the phone, or return your calls. Or purely saying no to “lunch” or anything that involves small talk. It’s not you. It’s me. My insecurities, my fears. Everything in me avoids face to face, small groups, large groups. It doesn’t differentiate, it just is my reality. 

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Night owl

I love the night. Everyone is asleep and it’s as quiet as it gets. The fire is dying down and I find my worries fading away. I find a sense of peace and calm. I usually stay up 2-3 hours just to bask in the darkness.

It’s something beautiful to feel your loved ones at rest. I can finally relax, let go of those expectations and just be.

I’m sure morning people feel the same way. But for me, that couple hours before I crawl into bed and I find peace, I can sleep. Knowing in my heart that a new day is coming and I’ll be okay. For just these moments, everything is right and hopeful. Looking forward, letting the day go. It’s just what I need.


I love when I can see the moon. Comforting knowing it’s there with me to watch over the night. The quiet streets with just those few kindred souls making their way to their homes or night jobs. 

Everything slows down, the running around from place to place fades away into the dark and I am at peace.

The fear and the pain

When you constantly question yourself and then have no one that supports you, it compounds. The pain of feeling invaluable or unlinked is devastating. 

I try so hard, be the best version of me. Be everything to everyone. Trying to just get by in my head while constantly feeling like I’m drowning in the expectations that I can never get a breath.

I don’t feel like enough. There’s always more that someone wants. It’s never enough, there’s never a chance to breath and be who I am. 

I know in my head that a lot of the anxiety but when I’m in it there’s nothing I can do but keep trying harder until I break.

Tonight I broke. Maybe just for a little while but the expectations from all directions broke me down. I spend the last hour in my bed crying until my pillow was wet everywhere from the tears. My heart hurts in every way. Emotionally, physically drained. Yet tomorrow I’ve got to get up again and do it all over. 

Another day, another pound of flesh to give when I’m spent. Is there a point where you have nothing left to give? Then I can rest. My heart will beat and that is enough.

Who is the real me?

Online for some strange reason I feel more like me than I feel like me when I’m in person with pretty much any social interaction.

Maybe a couple place or people get the real me, teaching/practicing/ doing yoga. I’m the same me as I am here. But get me having a conversation and somehow someone different takes over. And with two very close friends, my daughter and my husband, and my dogs. Okay okay, and I kinda dig this one cat.

Anyways, I’m me. The shell goes away, the conversation can happen. And I let the stress, the anxiety, the attempt at a facade of strength in a trembling body that I’m sure fools no one. 

But I’m myself one other place. Here. Online. I write these alone. Relaxed. (Usually)  I’m completely drawn out. Guard down. You have to wonder why that is, I know I do. But for me, something about knowing someone may be listening, reading. And this helps them think about things. 

Maybe I have social anxiety. But this helps me be honest, and confident. It helps the real me grow. All things coming, my hope is someday I’m all me everywhere.  

 

Guilt

I feel bad. Really for almost anything and everything.  I posted this on Facebook a bit ago and it stuck with me.

 
I know I don’t like feeling this way. But I do. Pretty much all of the time I can find myself feeling guilty about things I have no control over and can’t do anything about. 

So when I really screw up, it’s beyond words. I can beat myself up for not even days, years, decades. I currently can remember feeling bad for a very specific incident in kindergarten or 1st grade. I’m sure no one else remembers but I do. And I feel bad to this day.

There’s those types of Where does that come from? How do you make it go away? 

I can start by reciting a prayer that I used last night after my yoga session. 

  
Every day, trying to let it go. 

Hard mornings

Again this morning I’ve been having a hard time. I want to hide, be alone. Crawl into bed and not see or talk to anyone. 

Is this anxiety? Depression? I’m not sure but I feel it often. What are you supposed to do in this situation. Let it overtake you and crawl into bed? Avoid everyone. Or fight through it and fake it till you make it?

I wish I knew the answer. The key to unlocking it all and letting these things go. But I haven’t figured it out yet. 

So onward I go, doing the things I need to do. Trying to push the thoughts aside and get things done. What other choice do I have? I must go on. Breath in, breath out. Just keep swimming.  

 

Fear

Fear can be the basis of many problems in my life. 

I don’t know how or when I started to become this nervous person. Let me get BRCA + for a minute. Maybe 10+ years of fighting a hypothetical disease, can cause some normal fear. 

But then you do the surgery to remove the risk. And you are left, well, I was, with a misplaced fear that has morphed into some irrational fears. I won’t even began to get into moths. But also just a general nervousness has manifested in day to day nerves.  
Yoga has started me on the track of settling the thoughts of fear and seperating them from true threats. Which are usually not there at all. 

Yoga has also taught me to put my fears in perspective. So many poses are easier than you think. Just that first step, the first time, once you pass that mental block, nothing can stop you.

Except the moths, those things are gross.