Confidence Hit After Hit

Confidence is a funny thing. I can easily feel confident, completely genuine and killing it. Then a few things happen, maybe in one day, maybe over time, and I feel worthless. 

In yoga, in work, in life in general, things can get very personal. It’s easy to feel it is specifically just me, but maybe these little hits happen to everyone. I can’t help but think who I am is not good enough. 

Relationships end, friends fade away, I am pushed out so things are handled by someone more competent. When I feel judged, I feel like there is something wrong with who I am.

I try to remember, others own their behavior. When negativity is directed towards me, it’s not about me. It is just so hard to not feel like I don’t measure up. It seems like when I’m most myself, when I feel I’m being authentic and accepting and loving the person I am; I am pushed away. Left in the cold, how can I think any different than I’m not okay the way I am. 

I just want to be me. I don’t want to be judged or be pushed out of what I am doing. I want to be accepted for who I am. Not just accepted but lifted up and affirmed for the effort. For my success and for my openness. 

The things that are who I am at the purest and deepest level are unacceptable. I feel like I’m winning and it’s like the universe says, not so fast. As soon as confidence comes, everything falls apart. 

I’m never cocky, at least I don’t think I am. I’m more often not confident at all. But days like today knock me down to size. 

I know some of my posts are encouraging, some are sad, but they are real. Whether you like me or not. If you think I’m honest or full of it. I hope you find something that strikes you as true and raw. I hope you see the ups and downs in my life and know you aren’t alone. 

Facebook and Instagram frequently just shows the best parts, but life isn’t like that. We are all just trying to figure it out as we go. There’s no manual on how to deal with the bad and accepting those big hits that just don’t feel fair. 

We all just move on to the next. Taking each day as one day at a time. Breathe in, breathe out. And just keep going, what other choice do we have? 

I love me. I wish everyone else did, but they don’t and they won’t. Acceptance of that and who I am, is where I can start and where I can rest.

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Nature and yoga

Tonight I practiced on the deck, looking at the most beautiful view. I thought about listening to music. But there was something lovely in the sounds of the outdoors.

I listened to the birds singing to my flows. I felt the gentle wind that cooled me right when I needed it. I balanced finding a focal point on the hills. I looked up at the half moon starting to make it’s way into the blue sky. 

My body moved with grace. I had more focus and balance than I have ever had. I connected my soul with the beauty around me. Something very special in this practice moved me. Meet the outdoors around you and you’ll be at peace.

A moment of silence 

It’s been a week since I felt like writing. It’s been a week where I’m just running the rate race and loosing.

Today I had a powerful experience that reignited something deep inside. I won’t write about it. It’s just that special to me. But for all those involved, know you each touched my heart and I love each of you. 

I also did some meditation before class and had an experience and a mind set going in. In mediation a deep calm comes over me. I can let the trying hard goes away and I can be with what is. 

I always hated the saying “it is what it is.” Today I got my version that I like much better. It Just Is. something so simple can carry such a big punch. 

My light has been found and today I flipped the switch. I feel changed, transformed. Not into something better, just into what is. 

Brahmacharya – living simply 

I’ll do two posts today, working through the 8 limbs and also starting a cleanse and daily practice I’ll write about after.

First, brahmacharya, to me, this means simple living. Personally in my life, I tend to make things more complicated in my head then they need to be. 

In Brahmacharya, I dedicate to simplifing my life, clearing my head of useless worries and fears. Letting my core self shine through without letting the outside world or others effect that core self.

In yoga, I don’t need to overthink on the mat, I just move and breathe, from one posture to the next, not overthinking just movement and breath. 

Happy insomnia 

I couldn’t sleep last night. Usually it’s stress related, but last night it was happiness. I’m grateful and content. Happy to be where I’m at and settled in my life.

I’ve reduced some stress and drama that I didn’t need and have focused on healing myself and my family and it’s all coming together. 

Just a few moments in bed, happy. To be alive, to be moving forward. Breathing in and out pure joy. I’m thankful for all that I have and I have everything I need. My heart is full and I feel truly blessed.

Take a moment now and then and find contentment in your life.

The fear and the pain

When you constantly question yourself and then have no one that supports you, it compounds. The pain of feeling invaluable or unlinked is devastating. 

I try so hard, be the best version of me. Be everything to everyone. Trying to just get by in my head while constantly feeling like I’m drowning in the expectations that I can never get a breath.

I don’t feel like enough. There’s always more that someone wants. It’s never enough, there’s never a chance to breath and be who I am. 

I know in my head that a lot of the anxiety but when I’m in it there’s nothing I can do but keep trying harder until I break.

Tonight I broke. Maybe just for a little while but the expectations from all directions broke me down. I spend the last hour in my bed crying until my pillow was wet everywhere from the tears. My heart hurts in every way. Emotionally, physically drained. Yet tomorrow I’ve got to get up again and do it all over. 

Another day, another pound of flesh to give when I’m spent. Is there a point where you have nothing left to give? Then I can rest. My heart will beat and that is enough.

The breath

The hardest thing about teaching (at the Y, I do the class with the students) is talking while breathing. Basically there’s no way to breath correctly while you are talking.

That’s why I find it so important to have that daily separate practice. The breath is so crucial to the practice. It keeps you in the moment and connected to the movement. I’ve gotten so good at that loud forceful breath that warms the body, without it, I loose that connection.

You can practice the breathing anytime, slowly in and out through the nose. Pulling in through the back of the throat, the pushing the air out through the bottom of the lungs using your diaphragm. You will warm your body and relax with in a few breaths.