Over the Hill and the view looks great

Today I turn forty.  Back when I was 25 years old, I had just lost my mom, I had just found out I had the same gene that was connected to her breast cancer and death.  I sat in the Wenatchee High School Gym watching my little sister play volleyball and I looked around.  I felt overwhelmed with grief.  It was probably one of the worst moments in my life.

I looked at all these people and thought, they all will live and I will die.  I’ll never grow old, I’ll never see grandchildren.  I am going to die.  Just like my mom just months before.  I will die early.  I just won’t ever see old age.  Now I know I am hardly old.  But that there was this moment in time that I so clearly saw my future and 40 wasn’t in it.  Let alone anything beyond.  I was devastated.  I was facing death and there was nothing I could do about it.  I felt at the young age of 25 that my death was imminent.

It wasn’t long before I found my strength to fight and do what I needed to do to get to this age.  People have asked me how I feel about 40.  Really, I feel accomplished.  I feel proud.  I feel so grateful.  I see the life behind me, heartaches and triumphs, love and loss, fear and courage.  I made it here, fighting the whole way but I made it.  I lost body parts, I lost a part of me.  But at the same time I found myself.

I see the life behind, and I see the life ahead.  Long or short, it is beautiful.  Life isn’t about survival.  It’s about enjoying the journey – good and bad.  Then pulling up your big girl panties and doing what you have to do but the strength to stay true to yourself.  I don’t know what is in front of me.  How many years I have.  What love and loss I have ahead of me.  I know there will be more.  But I am going to enjoy every second.  Look out world, Amy is coming down the hill and picking up speed.

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Drinking Koolaid – I am

Day three, most of the day was training including an Astanga class which I opted out of at least the second 1/2 (last 2/3 maybe, whatever, those poses were killing my ankle and I have kicked butt in Hatha despite any ankle related problems, I don’t feel bad even though Guru Stephanie gave me a hard time.) Astanga is the root of classes like Vinyasa but very difficult and can’t even begin to describe some of the crazy things they do. So I am just proud to have gotten to where I did. I have been leading some poses and really enjoy it. I have a ways to go for sure but I really enjoy leading postures and helping other people. I helped “teach” Astanga by describing the poses in the video. I know it wouldn’t be Stephanie approved methods but I felt like I was helpful.

And then….The movie. To start, I already love documentaries. I really do. I love learning and getting more information. My husband so far keeps asking if I drank the Koolaid, let’s just say tonight, I am full on drinking the Koolaid.

“I am” – a documentary you can find on Netflix is life changing. I can reel you in with name dropping the director – Tom Shadyac (Bruce Almighty, Ace Ventura) goes through what he went through in his life asking the tough questions. After watching – without giving too much away – I am changed. I would watch and watch and watch if I could. But mostly I want you to watch. I have been at a place in my life trying to figure out where I go from here. What my values are – what I believe. I have called it my midlife faith crisis. I have been looking for my purpose, my highest and best use if you put it in my husband’s real estate terms.

Asking those questions can be hard. But what is the alternative, you are born baby, die baby as Bikram would say. Which means basically, I believe most people live in this world where they act like they are the only ones in it. Out for #1 as they say. But for most, that isn’t working. It isn’t making most people happy to live that way. Just day to day, trying to get ahead. That isn’t what life is about.

I have always hoped that I by doing this, I will inspire someone. Hopefully someone will try something they haven’t done before. Or look at things a different way. And maybe for me in a lot of ways it is just therapeutic. Put my thoughts on paper. Get all those ideas and emotions out of my head. But in times like these, my mission becomes crystal clear and the second I start to get away from that. The second I start to think that my life is all about me, something comes in and reminds me what it is really about. This, all of it. It comes down to one controlling force in my life, Love.

I am meant to love. I have huge compassion for people that I don’t always show. I want better for your life. I want happiness for all. I want you to not be wasting your life not doing what you want to be doing. Life is so short, SO short. Unless you have faced death in some way, maybe you don’t understand that fully. But when you do, especially when you have faced it in youth, you have an immediacy that most people don’t have. I want to make an impact. I want a positive influence to radiate from you so that people catch it. I want people to say, I was going to give up. I was feeling like no one cared. But I saw you believe in me. And I do, I believe the best can be found in every single person. It’s inside you. Don’t waste it. You have something so uniquely you that someone else needs. Maybe it is your spouse. Maybe it’s your child. Or maybe, you just want to reach and touch every person you can.

I want to reach you. I want you to read this today and know it’s been building up. Share it, give it. If you haven’t found it, well – try yoga. I found something in the heat that I needed. But you don’t have to do yoga to be that positive force. You just need to be you. You are here for a reason, find it, embrace it, then do it. What are you waiting for?

What if the answer was given to us by something so simple as a song? What if it is all we need to heal the world’s sickness? Maybe it is. I will be love. untitled