A day without

After just two days, today’s schedule didn’t work out. Okay, really, it could have, I could have tried harder but I didn’t. I justified that after two days in a row, I could take one day off and then go Thursday & Friday. But usually, I probably wouldn’t have made it to Thursday and Friday putting it off until Monday when I can “start fresh.” It’s all just a game we play isn’t it? But in reality, I missed it today. After just two days of sweating to death and not feeling very serene, I miss that time unplugged. You are forced in the heat to face the only things that are urgent, your breath, the movements, your body, the floor. Life is very simple in the hot room. Even if you are focused on one sweat drip going down your face. Your focus is there, in that moment. And today, I miss that clarity.

The other big change is that I am handling life’s little bumps (which lately happen to be big bumps for me) really with serious grace and calmness. Hmm. Related? 🙂 I am also standing a bit taller and keep remembering to pull my belly in to protect my back when I stand. I feel better, tomorrow, I have a plan. I am getting in there, make it a priority because I’m sure enjoying this serenity thing.

beYOUtiful HOT Yoga

bhy-logo

Tonight I had my first Hot Yoga experience at beYOUtiful Hot Yoga in East Wenatchee. I was so nervous. One of the consequences to my decisions that I hate is the menopausal change of, well, I call it temperature regulation problems. I get hot flashes of course but more than that, when I get hot, I get overheated quickly and then can’t cool down kind of hot. So naturally, HOT yoga sounds like I will be uncomfortable, smelly, sticky and not feeling beautiful in any way. I don’t really like sweat, I don’t imagine there are people who love it, but I’d say I am pretty grossed out by it. I worried so much of dripping sweat, being the sweatiest person in the room. And guess what? I was. But it was SO worth it.

I went to Jenn’s Hatha class with lights low and heat up. It was energizing, like the description states: “It is challenging and exciting which that heals, detoxifies, tones the internal organs, cleanses you from the inside out. Hatha Yoga also works every muscle, ligament, tendon, organ, gland, cell, and joint in the body.”

First of all, it is hot. They don’t call it that for nothing. But it doesn’t feel quite sauna hot. I felt like I could endure laying there before class pretending to relax when all my mind does is run. Am I doing the right thing, do I look dumb? I started out with my feet pointing the wrong direction, so strike one. But got myself turned around and excited for class to start thinking mostly in my most un-zen, this isn’t comfortable, I am not feeling relaxed. I wonder if this is how everyone starts out? Maybe.

Once class started, it was more difficult poses than I thought they would be. I know I am not particularly coordinated and balance is probably my worst physical trait, but I’m pretty flexible for my age and can get into most positions. But stand me on one leg and I am toast. I wiggle and fall, I don’t look serene or balanced. I look and feel like a giraffe and hippo had a baby and the new baby tried to stand on one leg with the other behind them. Yeah, then add sweat? Okay, so I didn’t feel comfortable. I didn’t feel serene, it felt really really hard. I started to sweat so much I slipped on the mat and started taking breaks to mop off my face, which helped tremendously. Once in corpse just lying with it on my face cooled me down.

Sweating and moving, my heart rate was high. Muscles all working. Every stop felt like a release of the muscle after working hard. After taking the class then reading the description, it perfectly sums up what the class is about. I finished out relaxed and although I was sweating-it felt clean. Like just water on my skin. And as I mentioned, I was the sweatiest in the room, no question about it. So if you come, don’t worry, I promise I will be worse.

The biggest impact was after showering when I came home. A quick shower left me energetic and a newly found benefit, my skin feels like it soaked in milk all day. It is silky soft. My muscles feel energized, not tired or tight. Relaxed, well worked. But stretched, warm and light. I love this feeling. I was going to write this tomorrow but I just couldn’t wait. I am filled with good energy. I can’t wait to do another class tomorrow, I’m going to head back to do another one. Want to try Hot Yoga with me? If you haven’t done it, you should. Or whatever else it is you want to do, get out there team.

Inspiration

Two stories caught my eye today.

The first: teddy bear an amazing video of the power of perception and human contact. It reminds me what is truly important is our connections with other people. I hope you connect with my honesty.

The second: Dr Farrar what strikes me most about him is that he never gave up cycling. Legs or not he found a way. I love waving as I past him and he is a real hero. I’m just anyone, he’s a true inspiration.

Dream on, don’t give up. Change the perception of who you are by doing. What are you made of?

Yoga

Do you ever feel like what you are doing is crazy? Like you have all the confidence in the world you can do whatever you set your mind to and then you try it. Put yourself out there. Then yikes! Breaks!

I am doing that. Actually, I do it a lot. So I’ve been thinking with little to no Yoga experience it would be awesome to be a yoga instructor with the goal of helping people through physical healing. Cancer, surgical, I would love to learn some mastectomy and menopausal focused healing.

I’m not some yoga nut, in fact I’m a stressed out emotional sometimes struggling with anxiety and depression. I’m not naturally thin or physically at my peak, I’m a pretty slow athlete who’s joints are breaking down. I’m not in my 20’s, I’m in fact
barely staying in my 30’s. I’m not coordinated or flexible and definitely never been described as serene.

I did a class last week with the gusto of anything new. Then I had a stressful weekend and was ready to start fresh today and try “warm yoga.” I figure, I’m in enough shape, I’m fairly flexible. What I learned was the first of many lessons in this journey. Continue reading Yoga

Late night dreams

The problem with being a dreamer is sometimes you just can’t sleep. So here I am, busy day but my mind is racing. There are so many goals I want to do, so many things I want to accomplish. I try to just rest, but my mind wants to go. I feel like sleeping sometimes is a waste of time. This blog is about those dreams. I have many that I thought were not possible, a marathon for one.

But beyond that, I pushed myself (with some help from my wonderful fiancé) into triathlons. It might not be much for some people, but for me, it was a big deal. When I had my mastectomy, I never thought I would bike, or swim for that matter. But I showed them! Who is them? Them is me, inside my head, saying you can’t do that. You are broken, out, limited, different. You name it, I said it to myself. But you know what? I did it anyway.

So I am up late dreaming about the next big dream. What will I tackle next? My goal is to take something I want to do and attack it. Just like I do everything else when I set my mind to it. But this, this has to be good. I want to go beyond, commit past what I think I can do and go for it 100% I’m not sure what it will be but I am excited to take my writing on my journey with me. I will share the good and the bad, the hard and the difficult. Every struggle because I know, my dream could be your dream, it could be anyone. But anyone can do anything. Just set your mind to it and go. It’s amazing where your mind can take you if you stop trying to talk yourself out it.

Just Me



I’ve been looking for years for my “gift.” I couldn’t sing like Lara, artistic like Sarah, crazy athletic like Colleen who wins races, mission to Africa like Tracey, adventure outdoors quite like Suzie – I hate hiking. I’ve always felt, just me. It’s actually been put on discriptions of myself online, “I’m just me.” Yet, my mantra was always my Passion. It’s tattooed on my back.  Where is that girl? I’m here, but what does that look like, not just personally but for what I can do for other people.


Lately I’ve had some crazy dreams, some good, some bad. But one thing has stayed constant, I want to inspire people. 

But what can, “just me” do? And who is this “just me”? 

I used to blog. I loved it, opening myself, inspiring others. Maybe this is normal at my age, 38. Maybe people my age get to reinvent themselves a bit. We’ve lost the little girl and put her behind them. Actually my last blog was called “BridgesGirl,” my maiden name and girl. It was about my journey after my mother died from breast cancer in 2001 when I was just 25 years old with a one year old daughter. 

I tear up thinking of this time in my life because I was painfully young to take on such a life altering event. That alone could have been enough. But in her final days, the doctors took a sample of my mothers blood to test for a genetic mutation called BRCA. A breast cancer mutated gene that instead of duplicating normally and fixing a bad gene coming in, would (in basic terms) duplicate with a bad gene incorrectly making the chances of cancer much higher, most notably, breast cancer around 86% higher than the average person. 

That’s a lot to handle for a 25 year old mom to a 1 year old without a mom herself. Within 2 weeks after my moms death we got the results, positive, the gene was BRCA2+ and it was devastating. I had a 50/50 chance and I was filled with dread, I knew. 2 weeks later after begging my mom’s cancer doctor to call me into the office either way so I wouldn’t get the news alone, called me and said it over the phone, “Well it is positive, we better get you in here to start discussing what’s next.” I collapsed, home alone with my 1 year old daughter, my world came to a crushing finality. My life again forever changed and I was “doomed.” It was over. My fate sealed. 

Until months later struggling in the deepest of depressions a doctor, the same who happened to deliver my beautiful perfect daughter who all along gave different meaning to “you are my sunshine on a cloudy day.” Told me these profound words, “You can’t change your future……wait, you can! Most people can’t, but you have the opportunity to change it.” 

He also happened to be a pastor in my church. This gave me confidence to know, surgery was an option and never question it’s biblical morality. Which believe it or not came up many times in my family and I almost felt shunned as the only carrier in my closest family and still in my generation of cousins I grew up with with just one close “aunt” who is really my moms cousin. I was branded a black sheep (to be fair, I was already.). Many questioned if surgery was what God would have me do. I was shocked, why would God take my mom from me and leave me to die and leave my daughter? No, he would have me fight to be there for her.

And I did, I was ready to face all of this without anyone and found my own support online through facingourrisk.org who mentored me and gave me strength. And moms, many many moms to me. 

I shared my entire story online and in our local paper, many times completely embarrassing. But I was proud, am proud. I made tough decisions through a very young age. Life decisions. I was always struck by the scene of sitting in OB/GYN offices at 27 and looking at menopause phamplets while the other girls my age grabbed pregnancy or contraception info. Or many times for an ovarian ultrasound and being mistaken for a pregnant girl which always hurt more than it should.

So long story short, I’m here, thankful for every day I’m alive but scarred and broken looking at the next chapter and wondering, what’s next? I’ve made it. Now what? Is that normal, probably. But I’m looking for meaning, and here I am, discovering myself again and wanting more. I want to inspire. That’s it. Is that a purpose? A gift from God? I don’t know but I like writing. I like sharing myself. I definately love inspiring others. Try new things, face fears, face doubt. I think of that 27 year old girl with a 3 year old facing menopause and I’ve come so far. “I Love Myself Today”one of my favorite songs and truely how I feel. 

So what am I getting at: I am starting this blog for “Anyone” I’m just me, just anyone. I could be you, you could be me. I want to be more, do more. Life happened but I kept going and I’m still here. I dreamed of being a writer, so I’ll write. I dreamed of other stuff too, I’m sure I’ll have more dreams along the way. I don’t know where the road will take me but isn’t that the fun part? 

Will you be part of Team Anyone? What was your dream? Why did you stop and can you start again?