The fear and the pain

When you constantly question yourself and then have no one that supports you, it compounds. The pain of feeling invaluable or unlinked is devastating. 

I try so hard, be the best version of me. Be everything to everyone. Trying to just get by in my head while constantly feeling like I’m drowning in the expectations that I can never get a breath.

I don’t feel like enough. There’s always more that someone wants. It’s never enough, there’s never a chance to breath and be who I am. 

I know in my head that a lot of the anxiety but when I’m in it there’s nothing I can do but keep trying harder until I break.

Tonight I broke. Maybe just for a little while but the expectations from all directions broke me down. I spend the last hour in my bed crying until my pillow was wet everywhere from the tears. My heart hurts in every way. Emotionally, physically drained. Yet tomorrow I’ve got to get up again and do it all over. 

Another day, another pound of flesh to give when I’m spent. Is there a point where you have nothing left to give? Then I can rest. My heart will beat and that is enough.

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Published by

amykreick

BRCA 2+, Post Bilateral Mastectomy, Post Surgical Menopause, Previvor, Dedicated Yoga Student, Previvor Advocate

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