I had a great day! For one, the floor is getting easier to sit on. I can sit for hours without even thinking about if it hurts. Yes, I have a rather large pillow (which is starting to smell – sorry honey, it’s from a chair in our living room) Either way, I am usually sitting on the floor without it and then laying as needed. I know to most people it probably sounds silly, but for me, it’s progress. I’ll take any progress that I can get.
But today was a breakthrough day for me in a few ways. I realized I keep saying I can’t do things. I know I have done that forever, but it is so obvious to everyone else when I say I can’t do something, then try it and I do it! I’ve said I couldn’t swim and bike and I did triathlons. Now here I am, doing something that heals me. That gives me flexibility, strength and most importantly my knees back! (and maybe even Ragnar back – RAGNAR NATION!)
My biggest breakthroughs came this afternoon. I did a headstand today. I also attempted my first drop back with assistance – it’s basically standing strait up then leaning backwards until you catch yourself on the floor with your hands, belly button to the sky. It’s very scary but the feeling of having that accomplishment is amazing. You get a hug after you come back up and I have never been so proud to get a hug in my life. (It actually brought tears to my eyes just thinking about that small hug from Stephanie – life changing)
I want to do headstands over and over. I want to keep practicing until I can kick up without someone’s help. I think that is why I like yoga, well, one of many reasons. But having breakthrough after breakthrough and realizing all the things that seem so scary aren’t all that scary. I believe everyone can do more than they think they can. But for some reason, I keep limiting myself.
Fear. It’s all fear. You see something and think, oh I could never do that. You have this and this excuse, just like I do. “I’m not flexible.” “I can’t stand the heat.” “My chest (arms, legs, back-whatever) can’t do that.”
Then you try it, do it and it’s magic. It’s all in the attempt. If you try and fail, at least you have the accomplishment of trying when most people go day to day and never get off the couch.
Tonight I felt like I failed a class again. I had to go down again, my face went numb, fingers soon to follow and a couple little cramps in my hands and jaw. But I breathed through it and was just so proud of myself to stay in the room long into the last pose. It’s funny when I say that because I really just laid down for the last 15 minutes or so of class and tried to keep breathing deeply. I just stuck with it, calmed myself down and hung in there.
When I left class, it was like I did a headstand the entire class! My classmates were so proud of me, some were near me watching. I also used the wall for a pose without worry of what other people thought. I can’t believe how different I feel in just a couple days. I am doing less in class, but doing it right. My ego is out the door – I can appreciate the progress more than perfection.
I am excited for tomorrow too. We have a special guest teacher who will give specific instructions to fix some posture problems that I am struggling with.
This whole process has made me realize something. It’s not about yoga. It’s about figuring yourself out. What you need, what you can do, what is limiting you. I am finding myself here. A confidence in what I can do, a respect for my body and an appreciation for each and every breath I take.