Sometimes you just have one of those classes. Tonight was that night. I was feeling good, ready to go. Before class, something hit me. During this teacher training, I will miss my family horribly. I’ve always been very close to my immediate family. Famous for crying nearly every night at camp as a child because I missed my parents that much. My daughter and I are pretty much as close as you can be without being weird. I hate being apart from family, many things go into that, we will leave that until another day. #mom
Then a little something happened before class that got me a bit emotional. No big deal, just a nerve that was touched that has been touched a thousand times before.
Then, I fell. That left leg toe stand I was determined to get into this month. I was so close, and then I went down. I’ve seen people fall, I’ve fell, usually, no big deal. Right away, I was right back to working on it. The right thing to do, the strong thing. Stand, fold, try again. And I got there. No big deal, that should be the triumph.
But as the last move before a long laying in the dark on your back – all that emotion over took me and the tears welled up. It isn’t the first time I’ve cried during class and I’m sure not the last. But what struck me is that release. Yoga is so much more than stretching or exercise. Which it is both. It is a emotional journey. It’s forgiveness because your body can only be pushed that far. It can only stretch so far. We try to get to that “edge” *credit to Cassie – but that’s the farthest we can go. We appreciate how far we have come, we have grace that we have the ability to do what we can.
Deep down I feel like my body has betrayed me. From loosing that live forever feeling when I learned I was diagnosed BRCA+, or the emotional and physical toll the surgical decisions have taken. Yoga has given me a power over my body and my mind that nothing else has been able to give me. But in that moment, I feel betrayed. And I cry. Cry for what I have lost, cried for the forgiveness my body desperately needs.
In the next few poses, I was overcome with sadness. My heart wasn’t in it and I wanted to just get through to the end. I was going through the motions and no longer wanted to be there. I just wanted to run. And then, a friend. A tribe member. She gave me her energy and lifted my hand with hers. I found the energy. It flowed from her to me and I was renewed.
As my practice grows, I grow. Learning, changing, humbly forgiving myself as I go.