I think I’ve always been an addict. When I was a teenager, I was addicted to boys. As I got older, the addictions got more destructive. Life happened, I could go on forever on the why, but really, I couldn’t handle it. I didn’t have the maturity or personal strength to handle on my own what life had in store for me. It got hard and I could turn towards good positive behaviors or self destructive ones. Too often the latter was my choice. But many times it was good, but still addictive. I couldn’t just jog. I had to race. And race I sure did.
I couldn’t just do 5k’s. I had to do a marathon. Not any, I had to travel and do a huge one. Then Ragnars. Not just the local, travel all over. As far as Florida. Not just 1, 13, in about 2 years. Yes, I love fully. I commit fully. I find myself now, broken, hurting, aging, stressed, physically and mentally sick. And probably spiritually sick if I admit it to myself. Unhappy in my own skin.
At some point in your life, I think you just decide to let all the past go and decide to move forward. I made more mistakes than I can count, have more personality defects than I want to admit. But I love where I am, how I got here sucked. But, what are you going to do, here I am. I can only move forward.
I’ve decided to let the destructive stop controlling me. I’ve decided to let God control me. That’s what it all comes down to. I can’t do all this on my own. I’ve tried. I wanted to be loving and kind, giving, gracious, patient. And most of all, not living with an addict brain. But I am. And my brain runs 24/7 80mph. As Superbike school they taught me, “4th gear, no breaks,” which makes a great summary statement of my past.
I have done yoga for a week. Hot yoga just 3 times. Basically, I’ve found my breaks. For me, here are the differences and small changes in my life in just the last week.
1) I’m taller. Okay, crazy claim? Yes, but I’ve actually had someone comment. I’m standing inches taller just from lengthening my spine and rolling my shoulders back and down. Those three little classes have got my posture better for the first time in my life. I’ve felt the difference in my back and shoulders daily which brings me to….
2) I have less back and shoulder pain. Less general muscle pain and tightness. I feel loose, strong and relaxed.
3) I have tools to calm myself down, that breath, returning to that happy place easily calms my restless brain.
4) I’m drinking more water. Side effect, I’m more hydrated, skin feels better, energy better. All around healthier.
5) I’m eating healthier. I crave more good, less bad. Don’t know why, but I am and I’ll take it!
6) I am stronger. I already see a difference in both my yoga and every day activities. Muscle endurance, strength, tone and balance all up.
7) I feel more kind and accepting, not only of others but in myself. I feel comfortable in where I am at and worry less about the others around me. Most noticeable in class, the scary time for new comers, at least for me is before class. Now I don’t worry about what everyone else is doing. Sometimes admiring where they are at, but fine with where I am in the journey. Very different from the usual frustration of not seeing quick results.
8) I have more focus and clarity. I feel purpose and direction. The worry and anxiety have faded away.
9) Zen moments. I started the past few days breaking out into simple standing poses to stretch and find my positioning and breath. I feel my feet on the floor, the movement of my lungs, the position of my spine. I find myself, my clarity and they are calming and revitalizing. I’m in the moment, connected and free from the past.
10) I feel a new connection to God that was sometimes clouded by my busy brain. Grabbing my Superbike analogy God is the rider, my body is the bike and Yoga is now my breaks. Then the rider can flow freely, taking the bike over every bump, twist and turn with ease.
What gets you there? To that place where you are at home with you. Connect freely to God and feel released to be the bike.
Thanks for listening.
Meanwhile: I can’t wait, literally for tonight’s class: I considered getting dressed for the 6pm class tonight of Yin at 1pm because it would be easier to be ready.